What, you don’t want to be a doctor?

4 Apr

First, let’s get something straight: I am a in a restaurant in which the waitress is having to explain what “Falafel” is. I live in a place in which people don’t know what falafel is.

Okay, next: why do nurses get such bad reps? It’s like they are sexpots chasing doctors, too lazy or stupid to be real health professionals like doctors, guises for strippers and totally underappreciated, overworked and don’t get to wear the fetching cape/hat anymore.  Nurses get the shaft (pervert!) in so many ways and today we honor them and my favorite nurse Wendy Burton by making fun of this stupid book about them called “I Want To Be A Nurse.” It’s part of same the I Want To Be A (porn star, pony, fireman, golddigger, reality star) series that spanned decades starting in the 1950s including our recent posts about Jane’s big dreams to be a homemaker/stay-at-home drunk. They are designed to start getting little kids thinking about the future because why not ruin childhood by planning your career at the age of five? Also, they are full of simple words designed to help build vocabulary and reading. Or something that really should be left to the experts, like LeVar Burton. Experts were paid tons of money to write these books. And yet, as you will see, the simple language ends up translating into just the filthiest thing ever about everyone’s favorite sexy Halloween costume. Bend over, here comes your shot!

Sorry, nothing clever to say here. It's Easter, but my sense of humor hasn't risen.

Apparently “cowboy” is one of the viable career paths this series promotes. You probably need a Ph.D., though.

Glad the boy is helping the girl out here. She needs his firm hand and guidance for her dolly.

That dolls needs: a strong drink? A spanking? A good man? A new pair of Jimmy Choos and a kicky hairstyle to perk her up? Who the hell is this kid to come in and start bossing Jane around about taking care of her dolly? Is he her future husband or something? This ISN’T “I Want to Be a Homemaker,” people.

Wanna play with my enema bag?

Hey you stupid girl, I’m gonna point at you and your bandaged trashed dolly who didn’t get her hair done.  Because I’m a boy and I can be a doctor and you can only be a nurse, girl. You still have years to wait for “The Feminine Mystique” to come and change things for you,  stupid girl. See me point at you! Cuz I’m so masculine. I wear a SAILOR HAT, I’m so butch!
I am pretty sure I should get arrested for having this picture on my computer.

Miss Nurse, tell me how to get old men to write me in their wills, please.

Wendy broke my heart when she told me nurses no longer dress like this.

The subtext is absolutely rich here.

"Just rip it out, stomp on it and say 'You won't be needing this anymore!'

Here’s the part that explains how nursing is exactly like playing “Operation.”  Also, don’t the positions of their legs express repressed, burgeoning sexuality? This is why women shouldn’t know so much about anatomy; it will just get them all excited. Hence, I guess they only get to learn about the heart. It’s the only non-sexual organ in the whole body.

All of this nubile blossoming makes sense for the next few pictures…

This picture costs $3.99 per minute to look at.

Wendy: PLEASE PLEASE tell me this picture is accurate. The head nurse looks VERY displeased with the job her young apprentice is doing , though Grace Kelly looks pretty darn happy to have a 14-year-old rubbing her down like veal. Does this book make anybody else think of Boy Scouts?

"And now, dearie, you must swear eternal loyalty to your fellow Daughters of Eve by dipping your virgin candle into the blood bowl and smearing it all over your naked body. It's standard procedure."

So the lesbian pulp subtext is quickly and puzzlingly replaced by a Lois Duncan novel. I’m pretty sure in the next scene she has to drug a doctor, tie him up in the janitor’s closet and carve anti-dominant culture sentiments onto his body. By candlelight. But then she gets the ability to astrally project! Supersweet. (Incidentally, that’s what I got Wendy for her birthday: the ability to astrally project. But only when her evil twin sister stares out from a mirror at her. And steals her boyfriend. Because Wendy will need to get herself to the car her Twin is driving said boyfriend off of a cliff in.)

And not like Lionel Ritchie's "All night long."

Porn? Horror? Country song? Failed haiku attempt? Ace of Base lyrics meant to convey the unsatisfying life of a hard-working woman who just needs a man to love her?

A girl's gotta supplement her meager income somehow! Those caps and capes don't pay for themselves.

The light shining on her smiling face as she eyes how much morphine she needs to keep Mr. 85-Rich-and-Widowed just conscious enough lets you know this is now film noir. Or an ABC Movie of the Week from 1983 that my brothers and I would have convinced our pot-smoking babysitter to let us stay up past bedtime to watch. With the caveat that we would run upstairs and fake sleep the minute my mom got home. I’m pretty sure Eve Plumb starred in this one with a pre-“Facts of Life” Lisa Welchel.

"You're a pretty one! And if your eyes stay blue you'll be worth $50,000 on the black market!"

Man, what hospital is this? It looks like a preschool room and that they’re shoving babies into little kids’ cubbies. I think they got this furniture at Ikea.

Much love and happy birthday to Wendy Burton, Nurse of the Plains. Look for other titles in this series including:

Wendy Burton, Girl Scout Camp Nurse

Wendy Burton, Lincoln’s Nurse

Wendy Burton, Popular Nurse

Wendy Burton,  Nurse on the Run!

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6 Responses to “What, you don’t want to be a doctor?”

  1. Kathleen McDade April 4, 2010 at 6:41 pm #

    That baby is sleeping face down! For shame.

    • Wendy April 4, 2010 at 10:13 pm #

      Dude, don’t you know? Babies HAVE to sleep on their faces so when they throw up they don’t smother in their own vomit! Jeez!

  2. Wendy April 4, 2010 at 10:12 pm #

    Um, yeah, this is probably the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten.

  3. Devin May 13, 2010 at 10:06 am #

    Yup. Ace of Base lyrics. That damned fake flute is now playing in my head. Many thanks.

  4. MJH July 3, 2010 at 2:09 am #

    Nurse! Clean-up in Room 406. Patient pee’d herself laughing.

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  1. Tap Tap Tap — Here in the Bonny Glen - May 26, 2010

    […] Don’t these people know I’ve got a date with a Nick Hornby article? […]

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