Bad Job Economy Special! Part Deux

16 Mar

Darling Reader: are you still hungover from our most recent post? Now you know how Mischa Barton feels every day: drunk, no job prospects, a wardrobe five years of out date and declined credit cards at Whole Foods. See, that’s why I just bring a big purse to Whole Paycheck; why bother with embarrassing myself in the checkout lane? (Just don’t put more than one bottle of wine in your faux Hermes Kelly bag, the clinking is a giveaway.) Let’s remind ourselves we have more important things to take care of and continue on our journey to employment.

Damnit, Jane, what can you do besides down three martinis before "The Young and the Restless"?

So when we last saw Jane she was crossing that river of blood in her backyard to her “playhouse.” Her “mom” decides to come visit and I guess dispel housewifely wisdom to her daughter. I wonder if she is using “Wifey” to teach her daughter the facts of homemaker life?

Jane is modeling some good behavior for you job-seekers out there. She confidently lists her skills and qualifications. But she probably should learn to be a better liar. Just say you can cook, stupid! It’s like Excel, you can pick it up on the job. Just tell the person in the cube next to you that you totally forgot how to make the columns add up and could they remind you? That’s what your big smile and short skirt are for, Jane!

"Oh, take a load off. It's five o'clock SOMEWHERE!"

This is how Jane “plays.” No wonder she has to sacrifice cats and slap her scary plastic baby dolls around (oh, spoiler! Snap!) to entertain herself. Why is she starting this at five when she a whole life of drudgery to look forward to? C’mon, Jane, go play doctor with that dumb-looking kid next door. You could convince him to be the patient easily. Just bribe him with some plastic fruit from your mom’s living room display. You will have high school and hanging out in the backseats of cars, college and “experimenting” with your roommate to look forward to.  At least wait until after you get knocked up at prom before you start sweeping in your spare time.

"Then you just need to learn that how to cook them part!"

This is Jane’s mom’s idea of helpful advice. Ignore this. If you are going to be a good homemaker you just need to know one thing: how to dial for take-out. While Jane’s mom rants like she’s Michael Pollan or something, let’s move on…

"Which one of you took Mommy's special medicine?"

Oh, man, you know it’s bad when it looks like Carrie visited after the prom at your house.

See how Jane practices going bat crazy and Crazy Mean Drunk Mommy on her dolls of the perpetual smile? They look adoringly at her with their glazed plastic eyes and smiles sure to keep driving her further into The Problem With No Name insanity. Learning to lose your temper and scare the crap out of your kids before locking yourself in the bathroom with a bottle of bottom-shelf gin is a skill perfected with practice. Just make sure you don’t actually DO anything that will make the neighbors call the authorities. A good rant, some threats and throwing store-brand cereal on the floor should do the trick.

Take a shot everytime Mother says "a good homemaker."

Jane is clearly pretty amateur at this. “They get their feet wet.” What kind of hissy fit is that, Jane? Not the kind that earns you top-dollar (in the form of a bigger allowance from Daddy for all the crap you put up with all day from HIS children while he has fun going to work and has a pretty young, childless secretary.) First, Jane has some pretty unrealistic expectations for molded plastic. Second, …I can’t remember second. This book and it’s preachy, prissy tone is making me lose more brain cells than Paris Hilton each time she goes to the bathroom.  Dang, Jane’s play life sure is exciting, y’all.

And to think, there’s still a few more pages left. It better be five o’clock somewhere.


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