Bad Job Economy Special: Career Advice!

13 Mar

Phew, sorry I’ve been all gone and stuff. It’s this new job sucking all of my precious energy usually reserved for mocking celebrity gossip, ugly shoes and books. And all of those Ikea runs that keep me drunk on rad Swedish DIY design and keep me from focusing on what really matters: you, My Darling Reader. Well, since I have a job, I thought I would do some community service and start offering career advice via the vehicle of the Unintentionally Funny Book.

Did that degree from DeVry not make you serious about success? Can’t find a job since your dot.com devoted to stiletto shoes for pets failed? Or perhaps you are a few tantalizing months away from graduation, at which point you will realize you wish you could stay in school and avoid the crappy job market we’ve inherited from people who thought Enron deserved the space to screw people’s lives up royally. Ahem. Well, get your sorry butt off of the couch, give the hand to Judge Judy and get inspired! You know, to get a job, because they are so easy to get.

It's never too early to start dreaming

Okay, not to get gross, but it seriously looks like she is feeding him poo pancakes that she has made on a dirty old piece of wood. And dumb kid that he is, he looks superpsyched to try them.
So maybe instead of actually going out and getting a job, it’s time to redefine what you already do? Maybe you don’t just sit on the couch all day in your dirty sweatpants because you are a total loser, maybe you are a secret homemaker! And look at that attractive floral arrangement shoved in a watering can that you made! Let’s see what advice this awesome book from the 1960s for girls has to say about YOUR life. Because we need to stay relevant here.

This is so much fun! Until you realize you don't get actually paid.

We could lament about how this book is part of a series that ran from the 1950s until well into the 1990s called “I want to be.” Some high-falutin’ city book-learn’ child psychologists and edukators created this series with the idea that kids could practice reading simple words while thinking 20 years into the future about what they want to be. Because reading shouldn’t be fun. It should be vapid and mind-numbing, much like most of the books in the series (find “I want to be a telephone operator” if you can and prepare to have your mind BLOWN.) Anyway, we could totally harp on this book for it’s mere existence, especially during the early 1960s when Betty Friedan was paving the way for bra burning. Instead, I think we should look at how it affects you. Because you’re what really matters here to me.

Damn ungrateful dog and scary plastic baby dolls who don't appreciate how hard you work for them

(FYI: The problems and stress caused by scary plastic baby dolls becomes a recurring theme.)

So perpetually-delighted and immobile baby dolls are good to practice your growing skill set of yelling, feeling unappreciated, cleaning up a never-ending mess and secret afternoon drinking on. They smile through it all and baby doll therapists aren’t due to make it on the scene until 2020, I believe. The dog is another story. He can turn on you and tell Daddy all about Edward Scissorhands and Tw0 O’Clock Tequila Shots in a second if you don’t stay sharp. See, being a homemaker is just as much about what they don’t see as much as it is about what they do see. It’s kinda like being a spy. Or the director of community theatre.

Jane walks across the river of blood in her backyard to her "play house" in a shack in the far corner of the yard. Cats playfully frolic, unawares of their real purpose.

Besides having plenty of cats around for midnight sacrifices, a good homemaker has a trained dog to drag her lifeless baby around. And that placid smile does not come from meth! That self-satisfied grin is pure vodka martini/Ritalin/Viagra Momtail.  So don’t feel bad about stealing your aging father’s drugs when you can muster up the strength to let your successful brother drag you to that nice place full of active people where your dad watches Fox News and reruns of “Little House on the Prairie” all day. Being unnaturally, prescription-strength happy is all part of the job. See, it’s like you’re working already!

Better stop there and let what you’ve learned so far sink in. Practice some of the skills demonstrated here for a few days when we continue to present “I want to be a homemaker.” Until then, I’ve got a secret rendezvous with Johnny Walker, Neil Diamond and some candlelight.

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3 Responses to “Bad Job Economy Special: Career Advice!”

  1. Melody March 13, 2010 at 7:29 pm #

    This may be the VERY book which caused me to announce to my mortified grandfather that I was never, ever going to wear a bra or marry a boy.

  2. Hannah April 6, 2010 at 1:09 pm #

    My aunt sent me the link to your site. I think its absolutely hilarious! Thanks for helping me pass my Tuesday. : )

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What, you don’t want to be a doctor? « Unintentionally Funny Books - April 4, 2010

    […] fireman, golddigger, reality star) series that spanned decades starting in the 1950s including our recent posts about Jane’s big dreams to be a homemaker/stay-at-home drunk. They are designed to start […]

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