Welcome to Wisconsin!

11 Feb

Well, excuse the long time, no see thing. It’s not like I don’t love you and miss you. I’ve just been moving my life, upheaving myself from the comforting bosom of Central Illinois to start a new job in the wilds of Wisconsin. If you consider blue-collar towns with craploads of bars that stay open even in 2 feet of snow blizzards ‘the wilds.’ Pa Ingalls would disagree, but what can you expect from a man who uses culturally-and-time-appropriate language that offends white people of today? Anyway, to welcome myself to this state that people claim will turn me in to a Packers fan (which sounds so nasty and I HATE football, so there), I present a very Wisconsin post. No cheese here, but perhaps you might want to squeak some curds between your teeth and wash ’em down with some PBR while reading this?  

Just read this and any Sweet Dreams romance for advice on being popular and you are guaranteed to own many cats.

 Because everyone should listen to some old guy named Frank who calls himself “The Bowling Schoolmaster” (that is so kinky and gross) and a girl willing to let herself be known as a bowling champion in public! It’s a good thing the illustrations helpfully point out which dude is the “pro” because I wouldn’t know, what with both of them having newscaster hair and looking like 50-year-olds in a cartoon. I wonder if the coupon on the back flap is good for beer? 

This is the only chapter you need to totally alienate yourself socially.

What to wear? Try what NOT to wear. Oh wait, I stole that from Bravo. Apparently fashion innovations include pleats, pants and wrap-around skirts at this time. Too bad for the dudes who must go with more conventional looks. Luckily for them they can buy special scientifically-proven slacks guaranteed to improve their bowling and decrease their chances of getting a date to the Harvest Dance by 10% with each wear.  Let’s take a look at the fashions pictured here. 

Bringin' sexy back. With pleats.

 

It’s also the perfect fashion for meeting a sensitive yet tough bad boy from the wrong side of town who is fiercely intelligent but saddled with alcoholic parents and a ne’er do well older brother. He works at the gas station when he’s not secretly reading Robert Frost. He gets kicked out of class for “giving lip” but his English teacher encourages him to just do better and get a scholarship to college. College? Who are you kiddin’? Guys like him don’t go to college. They end up workin’ the second shift and drinkin’ during the day, just like their old man. Until YOU enter the picture as his put-out assigned lab partner: all sweet and pleated and petted only child class president you! Once you two melt each other’s icy exteriors and get to know the “real yous” as no one else has, well you two are ripe for a Romeo and Juliet type romance worthy of countless teen romance novels and movies!  I wonder what song will play during your climactic last scene at the prom which you attend with the boring football star when bad boy crashes and declares his love for you through original poetry?

This girl is a teen-ager like the cast of "The O.C." were sober.

So here is what would be considered bowling couture, if there were such a thing. Actually, I would totally wear this. I love sports with accessories. I also love a movie with a shopping scene. If it’s in conjunction with a makeover scene of an already stunning actress whose beauty is hidden by glasses and curly hair (both of which I proudly sport), all the better.

Jumping for joy...but what does she have to be happy about?

 

First, let me clean the vomit off my chin (and it’s not because I’ve been drinking in a bowling alley. I drink alone at home, with the lights off and Neil Diamond playing). There are “most-wanted” bowling fashions? Isn’t that like “most-wanted social disease” or “most-wanted girl on a VH1 reality dating show with a washed-up celebrity and his hairpiece?” What’s sad is that I know I totally act like this girl when I go bowling. But without the fetching high-necked fashions.

Whether on your prom or wedding dress, in your hair or on shoes, giant bows are NEVER a good idea.

Um, except for the hair, I am loving this outfit. She looks so “That Girl!”

A little-known work by Vermeer, "Boy with the Full Shoulder Fashion."

“Lots of arm action?” Dang, his date is one lucky lady. Um, assuming guys who care about wearing the proper sleeve while bowling have dates. Who don’t live in Canada.

Your ball joke here.

SO what would a not completely masculine-styled bowling set for boys and men look like? Hello Kitty? A smaller ball? Sensible heels instead of manly wingtips? I think anything involving balls automatically is manly despite the presence of accessories.

And finally, I leave you with a picture of our beloved Bowling Schoolmaster, whom I am sure wrote the chapters on most-wanted, sleek, trim, fashion-minded fashions for this book. Here is he doing dirty things.

How filthy is this? I mean, those balls are probably covered in germs.

Trust a man to show a woman the proper way to handle balls and racks.

Welcome to Wisconsin.

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3 Responses to “Welcome to Wisconsin!”

  1. Darsa February 11, 2010 at 12:39 pm #

    “Boy with the Full Shoulder Fashion.” I *need* a print of that!

  2. Paulina April 20, 2010 at 9:58 am #

    So great to see this great photos!

  3. theraineyview July 22, 2014 at 11:18 pm #

    What sleek fashions, culottes and granddaddy shirts. And who can look at a teenage boy with pleated armpits and not think, there goes a bowling pro. Wow. Wow. Wow.

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