Unfortunate Covers: don’t stand so close to me

11 Dec

Well, another day, another dollar, people (no, I don’t get a whole dollar. I’m a woman! I just get 75 cents.) Facebook is apparently waging a war against me and will not let me post my links. Perhaps a disgruntled racist complained that this blog is abusive towards bigots? This blog deserves a Noble Peace Prize for its continual highlighting of books that aim to bring the peoples of the world together (See: Japan post, Nepal’s tribute to Hillary Clinton, and gay cats among many others) and celebrate our cultures and commonalities (like how gay the Boy Scouts are. In a good way.) Well, Boo on Facebook, though I will continue to use it every five minutes, except Farmville, because that is a big ole waste of time and stress (“OMG! My strawberries are about to ripen but I actually have to do the job they pay me for and can’t harvest them! Where is my not-real goat?”).

So today is all about unfortunate covers and the ways in which they can make us uncomfortable. Particularly in the ways in which they are totally inappropriate for children’s books! Our first example, please:

Where is Tobias Funke when you need him?

I’ll bet he’s able! It’s too bad I didn’t find this back during A Gay Old Week.  We have dirty shirtless sailors, one of whom is standing really inappropriately behind a cannon none-too-subtlely. We have Jack Darby, with his white polished skin and TV doctor worthy hair, looking ready to jump into the action as he stands watch over the dudes too low on the totem pole to get to wear funky yellow Ren Faire shirts. I’m just afraid of what action he might jump into. I mean, he IS an able seaman, which sounds just filthy, filthy, filthy said on its own. No, this book goes beyond bad porn into a realm of skeeviness and Hepatitis C of its own. Wear rubber gloves when handling. Then, we have this, which takes me into a whole other world of discomfort and squeamishness:

Shades of "Clan of the Cave Bear."

Here we have a strange Manchild chillaxin’ in front of his Native dwelling looking for all the world like if Vincent Pastore and one of the fat kids from “The Little Rascals” had a love child. He’s calm and cool, staring you down like the white kid with a fake tomahawk that you are, just daring you to enter his world. He could be six, he could be sixty-six; we have no idea. I am totally jealous that he can raise just one eyebrow as endless years of mirror practice have yet to produce this sexy questioning yet inviting gesture. He leans against that rock like a familiar bar, as if to say, “wotchulookinat?” I just want to go home now, please.

Break me off a piece of that

The only reason this lithe, red-lipped Lincoln manfully and confidently holding that axe makes me uncomfortable is that I wasn’t prepared to share this moment with you. Mmmm mmmmm mmmmmm! I love me some Lincoln and that’s no lie. Even the dog knows when something is this smokin’ and looks up adoringly at him. What I would not give to be that dog and have Lincoln pat me on the head affectionately and say something like, “good boy.” I love the way his tousled locks fall over his intense features, just inviting me to push them back and assure Abe that he is an honest man and he can cross my Mason-Dixon line with his wood cabin ANY TIME. When I look at Abe, I turn into the Great Emastur…oh sorry, you still here? You can leave now.

3 Responses to “Unfortunate Covers: don’t stand so close to me”

  1. Wendy December 11, 2009 at 10:00 am #

    Middle picture missing?

    I went to a Christmas thing where there was a Lincoln impersonator recently and I had a devil of a time not flirting with him. But obviously I couldn’t do that in front his wife. You just look at her and know she’s vindictive. Or could be.

  2. Michelle G. December 17, 2009 at 2:19 pm #

    HA! I love me some Tobias. And some Lincoln.

    And I was an extra in a movie last year starring Vincent Pastore.

    And Lizz rocks.

  3. Mol January 10, 2010 at 10:53 pm #

    I love me some Abe…and chillaxin’ manchildren! Hats off to you, Lizaar!

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