A funny book about animals, I think

16 Nov

Who doesn’t love a light-hearted romp about humans raising wild animals? I mean, for so many reasons. Like when the tiger finally rips someone’s arm off, or the monkey is secretly sold to gas station in North Dakota because its owners can no longer control it and it gets to live its life out in a cage with tennis-shoe wearing tourists throwing bananas at it. Because ALL monkeys love bananas. So, don’t wear yellow around them if you are between the ages of 2-6, because it just might mistake you for a banana and try to eat you. Such intellectual reasoning skills mirror those of the author of our next book. “Leemo” is about a puma, being raised by some dude who may or may not be a researcher or have a degree in Zoology. I couldn’t be bothered to learn too much about him as an individual and you’ll see why.


It's all fun and games until someone starts actually reading this book.

Wait for it…

Leemo 1

This is non-fiction according to its Dewey number. What's the call number for "racist drivel?"

I mean, really, we colonize them, bring small pox and alcohol, force them into slavery and they repay us like this? These people EXPECT minimum wage from us! The horror! I am sure they will all rape us and kill us in our sleep someday and then whose to blame? Well, them, of course. Yes, so this is a book about people raising wild animals. Apparently they misunderstood how the rest of us define “animal.” I do not remember “Wild Kingdom” (brought to you by Mutual of Omaha) including such information.


Leemo 2

This looks so fake.

Okay, so getting back to the puma this story is about. Sadly the author does not get thrown into the middle of this scene by his servants. Probably because they are too drunk and lazy. But how did they get rum? He would have to pay them a living wage and that is clearly unlikely? Oh, they probably stole it.


Leemo 3
Are we at Neverland Ranch?

Okay, the monkey is named “Little Jacko.” Start there. Then know these photos only get more beautiful when you read the next page…

Leemo 4
How long until the monkey starts getting drunk off of rum?

For reals, y’all, why can’t a monkey behave like a human? Or really, why can’t those Indian children behave more like monkeys and be “humanized”? Yes, this researcher just stated that he expected a monkey to be able to act just as good as a normal Indian kid. Great expectations for all around. Sometimes I read this and am not sure if he’s talking about the animal or one of the servants. Sometimes I read this and throw my oatmeal up on the floor. Where’s my freakin Indian servant to clean it up? I’m paying her 10 cents an hour? Lazy, drunken whore! Oh wait, I forgot to hire her. That must be her fault, too.

leemo 5
For a book about pumas, there is a lot of monkey in here. Like a bad casserole in an Indiana Jones movie.

Yeah, do not learn the hard way like me. Having a monkey in the house is a great way to have feces thrown all over the place because they are totally ADDICTED to have loose bowels! I’m sure this is totally NOT due to the diet of rice and sugar and milk we feed it. They just have an addiction, like Indians are addicted to getting drunk and not working. Worse, your Indian slaves will not clean it up without getting paid in advance. Especially if the monkey is still throwing it around. (Anyone else surprised the crap-throwing was not compared to how Indian children act?)

So, I wish the puma (who is kinda non-existent in here considering the book is about her) and the monkey would get smart and stop messing with each other. They seriously need to kill this guy in his sleep, after being addicted to loose bowels all over his bed. They can escape and spend the rest of their days living a far more normal and healthy life at Neverland Ranch. The end.



One Response to “A funny book about animals, I think”

  1. HRD November 16, 2009 at 12:39 pm #

    The best part is definitely when they poop on his head.

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