My First Book of Patronizing, Semi-incorrect Information

13 Nov

UFB needs to apologize to all y’all. The lack of posts this week does not reflect my intentional love for you, but issues with WordPress. So, instead of the usual lazy Friday post, you get a REAL one.

Today we look at The First Book of Indians by Benjamin Buttons, or something like that. Hey, if he can only be bothered to write one freaking 65-page book about all Indians, I can’t bother to get his name right. I don’t care if it’s 1949 or not. Native Americans had just served in the two consecutive World Wars and would NOT GET ACKNOWLEDGED FOR THIS until the 2000s. Yep, it’s gonna take GEORGE BUSH to finally honor the sacrifices, innovations and courage given to our country by many Native Americans (who incidentally got to go to special schools to unlearn being Indian before said wars). Happy Belated Veteran’s Day. Well, excuuuuuuse UFB for wanting to believe that in fighting for freedom, democracy and the American way, that the American government might actually let Americans experience those things. Just call me a commie, hippie, Socialist bleeding heart. (Actually, I think I just ruined by fave top with all the blood gushing out of my chest at breakneck speed from this book.) Anyway, check out the sexy cover. It’s an attention-grabber, for sure.

indian cover

Nope, John Wayne does NOT come tearing out to kill them in a sec.

This is a NON-FICTION book. Designed to dispel stereotypes about Indians. It’s not directed by John Ford. Yeah, I’m totally confused, too! But makes me think I can get a really bitchin’ report for my fourth grade class out of this. Maybe I can wear my headdress and bring my plastic tomohawk and slap my hand against my mouth going “whooo whooo whooo whoo whooo” while prancing around a faux fire. I’ll get an A, fo sho! Oooh, I should totally pretend to scalp Zach S. (he deserves it, dorkface.)

indian 4

Dudes, you can totally have casinos and bingo parlours, now.

(Priceless: notice the reviewer’s notes throughouth the book. I think “bogus” just says it ALL.) Okay, so you still have crippling rates of alcoholism, extreme poverty and prejudice, but you get to be citizens! And you don’t have to have soldiers on your land anymore! Like they do in Kabul! And there’s no longer a rule saying exactly where you have to live! Like in much of Europe, where Jews were just recently told exactly where they had to live! But America just kicked butt and made it so that other people don’t have to live under rules like that! Hey, but you can leave the reservation now!

indian 3

Stereotypes are not harmful if they are POSITIVE!

 A single tear just rolled down Kevin Costner’s face reading this. Dear Lord, there is just too much on this page. Just pick any sentence and feel bad about laughing about it.

indian 1

They invented the toboggan. So take that!

 Yeah, let’s totally celebrate the really important stuff Indians (you know, as one cohesive, homogenous group all wearing feathers, suede and beads) have done for white people, yo. They invented guinea pigs! Okay, that IS impressive. And if you have not learned anything from this book so far, you need to know they DON’T need to be like white people to have a sense of self-worth and identity. Okay? You can be a good American and not be white. Or like the whites. Can someone tell the Bush administration this, please? I know it’s retroactive and all, but this is at the appropriate reading level. Plus, it’s got pictures of Indians fighting!

indian 2

A feel-good ending for the whole family. Except maybe the family members stuck on reservations with crappy schools and stuff like that.

 I think we should end by quoting the reviewer’s previous statement. “So what?”

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