Back when bunny rabbits could recommend detergents

2 Nov

(In reviewing this post, I realized it’s kinda disturbing and maybe not so funny. You might seriously not want to eat while reading it. For reals.)

Darling Reader: I hope your All Hallow’s Eve didn’t up with you writhing in a gutter, your sexy (nurse, librarian, squaw, toddler, ketchup bottle) costume a tangled web and a bunch of cops (and not Hot Cops) staring down at you. That’s so 2000-L-8. Since you might still have a combo Daylight Savings Time/candy corn/all nighter hangover going on this fine November morning, UFB provides an opportunity to shock you  back to reality. It’s called A Book That Should Be Boring But Is Actually Quite Chilling and Hilarious. Because scary can be funny. Like when you look back and realize how sincere people were about past behavior it’s scary, but sometimes funny. Not always (oh that Holocaust/slavery/segregation/Pearl Harbor), but occasionally. This is one of those occasions, so savour it. (Apologies: again, in retrospect…just see for yourself.)

You might remember Melvin Berger, he of the MOST BORING CHILDREN’S BOOKS EVER. His books are so boring, I had to present another one. I was kinda joking about what I thought other titles might be called. But Old Marvin- I mean Melvin- he just proved me right with the enticingly titled Scientists at Work: Consumer Protection Labs. Did you just chills? Me, too. Man, oh, man if I were a fourth grade kid, this is what would jump out on the shelf at me. I could only hope my teacher would force me to read this and write a book report on it.  Forget Ramona, Mrs. Frisby or hobbits:  I want me some consumer protection labs. Wish granted!

consumer cover

You totally want to use this for your band's next flier, don't you?

One point for “arty” cover photo.

consumer1

Are you a boring jerk? Do you want a big butt? Do you need a new career? Try toaster development!

Kids, you can sit on your butt all day, eating vending machine food and drinking sludgy coffee, getting ready for your next heart attack and supervise toaster testing! But don’t think you can grow sideburns like there. Those come with wisdom and age, and genes you should curse if you’re a girl. Dang, look at the way he fills out those TPS reports: I wanna do this when I grow up. Luckily school is preparing me to sit at a desk all day and fill out paperwork!

consumer2

FAIL!

Melvin Berger, you are a card! An absolute card!

consumer3

And here's where I make more money than you for less work and skills. And you're my supervisor!

I see this dude at every rock show.

consumer5

He likes showing some skin!

If they are testing for “irritability,” I would say this rabbit is probably really irritated to have his fur shaved and detergent tested on his bare, raw skin to make sure it won’t burn the nice people. The rabbit doesn’t look stressed at all!

consumer6

Doing their part to contribute to consumer confidence!

Wow, twenty-four hours with your head held in stocks while your raw, shaved skin is tested for detergent irritability. Parents: show this to your kids and tell them this is what you’ll do to them if they misbehave once more. Better yet, tell them the bunnies are being punished for something they did. I’m really glad all of this is being done for the betterment of more cleaning products to add to the 10,000 you can already choose from! Because that is what America is all about: stepping on the little guy so that you can have more choices! (Are you feeling sick and wanting to cry yet? OMG! Me, too! Totally!)

consumer7

Because you're worth it, Humans.

Yeah, I cannot comment on this because my liberal heart is bleeding profusely all over my keyboard. (Maybe the bunny can recommend something to clean it up?)

consumer8

Next time you feel like renting a scary movie, just read this!

Phew! So glad to know that after detergent is PUT INTO THEIR EYES, the bunnies are well-cared for. And look, they only put it in ONE EYE. Geez, why all the fuss over a bunch of animals that would just end up as roadkill anyway? I mean, this is in the name of SCIENCE. (Wow, am finding it increasingly to come up a snarky comment for this stuff because I’m too busy trying not to throw up.)

consumer4

"Geez, Vera, this swill is undrinkable. They should have added some vodka. Wonder what the bunnies thought of it?"

So “armpit” and “old socks” would be considered a turn-off to folks who condone animal experimentation? Do the mass spectrometer and chromotograph not give enough information about how detergent might harm the eyes of consumers? You know: humans with money, therefore rendering them automatically more valued than say, oh, a bunny rabbit?

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5 Responses to “Back when bunny rabbits could recommend detergents”

  1. Wendy November 2, 2009 at 9:32 am #

    Remind me to show you WHAT IS A COW? next time you visit.

  2. Mol November 2, 2009 at 3:39 pm #

    Amen, sister…AMEN!

    • Jackabug April 28, 2010 at 4:34 am #

      I… I can’t believe that was sold as as children’s book.

      It certainly explains why some kids grew up to be brave adventurers who broke into labratories and rescued their animal friends, though.

      Also, the first photo identified as a rabbit (by the book, and it seriously concerns me that the soulless hack who wrote this thing seriously could not tell the difference AND nobody at the publishing house caught it either — though I grant it’s impossible everyone was afraid of the nightmares if they actually read it) is actually a guinea pig. The one held in the guy’s hand as he shaves it with the electric clipper? I mean, sure, a bunny could be small enough to hold like that. But aside from the disproportionately small and bare paws that give the lucky test animal away as a rodent rather than a lagomorph (bunnies have paws with about the same proportion to their eyes and heads as a cat, and their limbs and paws are thickly furred all the way down) RABBITS HAVE LONG EARS. If these scientists can’t tell the difference between a guinea pig and a rabbit, I admit my confidence in the scientific rigor of their experiments is seriously compromised.

      I kinda want to show this around to my friends so they can mock it with me, but then I would have no more friends.

  3. Arthur Nielsen May 27, 2010 at 3:28 pm #

    Incredibly interesting read. Truely!

  4. Autumn Wise May 29, 2010 at 4:42 pm #

    Hehe I’m actually the first comment to your awesome read?!?

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