How to tell you’re married to a gay man

29 Oct

Hopefully you’ve all seen that the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Bill has been signed, FINALLY. One small step for man (in a really nice pair of Pradas), one giant leap (across the stage, like in Fame) for humankind. Still so far to go, but let’s celebrate our Gay Old Week with another beauty of a book. Well, not really, but don’t tell the star of the book. I’m afraid she might go all Baby Jane and scratch your eyes out, literally. Ladies and gentlemen, meet:

hatsy catsy

But you are, Blanche! You are in that chair.

Need I say more? Is this not gayer than gay porn? Well, take a gander inside. Because this is a collaboration between a man and his wife. Yes, his wife. Because it’s 1969. And they have no other means to keep their marriage together than this.

hc 1

This was originally titled "Daddy's Roommate."

Well, I guess when the sex is gone (because your husband is GAY, lady!) at least you have making hats for your fluffy cat in common. On second glance, this cat looks BITCHY. I mean, more than your average cat and more like Gossip Girl bitchy. I half expect her to slap me then buy me a cocktail.
hc 3

This is the best thing to wear for today, you understand. Because I don't like women in skirts and the best thing is to wear pantyhose or some pants under a short skirt, I think. Then you have the pants under the skirt and then you can pull the stockings up over the pants underneath the skirt. And you can always take off the skirt and use it as a cape. So I think this is the best costume for today.

Someone watched waaaay too many Joan Crawford movies, but I’m not sayin’ who…
hc 4

For real? Cousin Whitey AND Uncle Tom?

Okay, why do all of her relatives have names like a white person trying to write what they think is a realistic portrayal of Latinos?
hc 5

I would like a nice, powerful, mind-altering substance. Preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills.

This is so Liberace on some bad Angel Dust.

hc 6

If nothing else, there's applause... like waves of love pouring over the footlights.

And yet you say you and your husband are happily married? Can you define “happy” for us?

hc 7

I'm back in high school, living at home and discovering all sorts of things about my body.

Librarians don’t normally condone writing in books, but this is 1000%.

(Reads: “Jeffrey my little geek.”)

hc 9

Fiddle-dee-dee! Ashley told me he likes to see a girl with a healthy appetite!

Shoot, y’all. They stole that hat from Grace Jones.

hc 10

I like to be in America, OK by me in America, everything free in America...

Because nothing says “Latin Love” quite like a bunch of Easter basket grass thrown all around and…a pig? Is that a pig of some sort? Or is Daddy going through his ceramics phase?

hc 11

Don't cry for me, Argentina...

Oh, Hatsy Catsy. I hope they make you a nice hat to wear to kitty therapy. Maybe we should just call you JonBenet.

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5 Responses to “How to tell you’re married to a gay man”

  1. Sam October 29, 2009 at 8:23 am #

    What does the writing say on the school picture?

  2. Kelly October 29, 2009 at 9:37 am #

    Wow. It was obviously a LOT easier to get a book published back in the 60s.

  3. Melody October 29, 2009 at 6:26 pm #

    Hilarious. I love this one. *goes to find Hatsy Catsy on abe.com*

  4. Charlie Hvizdos March 13, 2010 at 11:35 pm #

    following this blog, good stuff!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Unfortunate Covers: don’t stand so close to me « Unintentionally Funny Books - December 16, 2009

    […] the peoples of the world together (See: Japan post, Nepal’s tribute to Hillary Clinton, and gay cats among many others) and celebrate our cultures and commonalities (like how gay the Boy Scouts are. In […]

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