A Gay Old Week!

26 Oct

Unintentionally Funny Books loves the gays. And when I say we love the gays, I mean we love ’em. We love ’em like white people like wearing ugly clothes for irony’s sake and Baby Einstein and thinking their coffee is really Fair Trade. That much! In honor of important legislation just passed in the House, Unintentionally Funny Books declares this week, A Gay Old Week. Although no self-respecting gay would stand for being called “old,” so we might have to work on that.

First in line is the gayest book ever (at least for the next few days): Story of the Boy Scouts. (Sorry, I just had to giggle.) This book is gayer than the gayest movie ever. It’s so gay, it does a 180 and becomes straight. At least until the first page. Behold!

My love for Steve Guttenburg is real and one day he will know this love.

My love for Steve Guttenberg is real and one day he will know this love.

Oops! Sorry, wrong cover. Let’s try this again. 

That flag says "Queens."

That flag says "Queens."

Well, this certainly paints a wholesome picture of heterosexuality and God-fearing values! The author, Wyatt Blassingame wrote about 5,000 books and I had to work on nearly all of them. So I got very familiar with his oeuvre which is usually a fictionalized account of some hyper-masculine figure or group in American history. Lots of early explorers who hang out with men, camping and being dirty and fighting and finding more places for white people to build PF Changs on. It’s all very gritty, pull yerself up by yer bootstraps, and setting up role models for the boys of the 1950s and 60s to find their sense of manhood in. Which is 100% awesome since Girls were learning how to tame the wild beasts that are adolescent boys (which are not Neil Peart drum solos, but often confused for them) at the same time, swell!

 
Sadly, the Indian boy in the left-hand corner has to commit ritual suicide because of the dishonor he has brought upon his family for appearing on this book in such a pose with other boys. But he earns a merit badge for it, so all is not lost.
 
Why is George Bush about to cane a bunch of Boy Scouts?

Why is George Bush about to cane a bunch of Boy Scouts?

Okay, as if this does not look like a bad cover for an “adult” novel about a sadistic troop leader who “turns” all of the lithe, nubile, trembling boys into his personal harem by the end of the weekend, just read the accompanying text. It’s sooooooo gay. 
Ewwww, why are the pages in this book stuck together?

Ewwww, why are the pages in this book stuck together?

Hmmm, young and lean. And had only just been an Explorer himself just two years earlier, until HIS leader showed him the way. What a Master/Student set-up this is! I wonder just how far he had taken those boys? I know if I just turn the page that within two paragraphs, we’ll have a full-blown Boy Scout orgy in the woods going on. 
 "He stood self-satisfied by the tree, watching his nubile new students. Soon, they would share what they had learned under his gentle, but firm tuteledge with the next crop of boys. They were so young and innocent, but so quick to learn...and please."

"He stood self-satisfied by the tree, watching his nubile new students. Soon, they would share what they had learned under his gentle, but firm tuteledge with the next crop of boys. They were so young and innocent, but so quick to learn...and please."

 Howling like stereotypes, the boys continued head-first into a book which reads every other page like a sex scene is going to break out, like me at 19 quoting Tori Amos at the drop of a hat. Because I was depressed and wore cheap combat boots. Also, how evil and mustache-twirling does this dude look? Only poseurs from Merchant-Ivory films dress like him. In fact, I’m pretty sure I saw this movie already. Wasn’t Julian Sands in it? They all went to prison for being gay.

 

"...and not one of them brave American men was a gay. Forget what you hear about 10% of the population. Balderdash!"

"...and not one of them brave American men was a gay. Forget what you hear about 10% of the population. Balderdash!"

I know that when I do a good deed, I like having it acknowledged with a notch in my gun. Then I can show it to people, swinging in the air and showing it to their faces. “I got this one for adopting another cat!”
An early Glamour Shot.

An early Glamour Shot.

He just got his merit badge for Fur-wearing and Well-shined Lips/Hair. I’m pretty sure Karl Lagerfeld is the originator of this badge. That and the “Bulimia and Diet Coke/Champagne” merit badge. (If you’re not familiar with this, then I’m guessing you did not make it to Eagle Scouts.) 
You know, just all-American heterosexual boys doing their thang.

You know, just all-American heterosexual boys doing their thang.

Because every boy feels comfortable walking arm-in-arm with other boys down the street. And the man behind them is totally NOT avoiding looking at them and that lady is looking approvingly on them. Yeah, I remember working with middle school boys and they walked down the hallways like this everyday. Not even in France, people. Not even in France. 
I'm sensing a theme here...

I'm sensing a theme here...

Because if you find the boys who don’t speak English, you know who to turn in to the INS! Oh, snap! Gotcha, Pedro!

“Each boy was given one letter: N, O, G, A, Y, or S. Then he had to find boys from other countries…” Boys walking with arms interlaced is a great way to let folks know you won’t tolerate the gays in your organization!

 

Now go hug a gay and thank them for being topics for Sociology 101 papers!

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6 Responses to “A Gay Old Week!”

  1. Kelly October 26, 2009 at 8:28 am #

    I just finished my den leader training (an entire day of stultifying boredom) and let me tell you — all the activities and leader actions depicted in this book are currently VERBOTEN. Obviously the Scout organization itself decided things were too gay and pulled back.

  2. Erik Tou April 11, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    “Each boy was given one letter: N, O, G, A, Y, or S. Then they lined up, but in the wrong order: G, A, Y, S, O, N. It turned out to be a prophecy of the future.”

  3. Archie July 7, 2013 at 5:56 am #

    For a lot of users that it really works as a dieting journal technique.
    Structure If you have lost and potentially becoming disappointed.
    And I hear the woman who writes it is ok too.

  4. Francesco December 31, 2014 at 1:14 am #

    It’s perfect time to make a few plams for the future annd
    it is time to bee happy. I have read this submit and if I may just I
    want to counsel you few attention-grabbing things or advice.
    Perhaps you can write next articles relating to this
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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Unfortunate Covers: don’t stand so close to me « Unintentionally Funny Books - December 16, 2009

    […] and gay cats among many others) and celebrate our cultures and commonalities (like how gay the Boy Scouts are. In a good way.) Well, Boo on Facebook, though I will continue to use it every five minutes, […]

  2. What, you don’t want to be a doctor? « Unintentionally Funny Books - April 4, 2010

    […] happy to have a 14-year-old rubbing her down like veal. Does this book make anybody else think of Boy Scouts? "And now, dearie, you must swear eternal loyalty to your fellow Daughters of Eve by dipping […]

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