Lazy Friday: Unfortunate Flaps: Our G-d-Like Powers Revealed!

9 Oct

Dear Victor Boesen: The people of New Orleans, the Philippines, and South East Asia among many others have a little bone to pick with you. It’s about this book, All About the Weather, which you wrote in 1975. While it’s a fine introduction to weather phenomena for ages 12 and up, it’s also got some pretty big problems. On the unfortunate inside jacket flap, you make very strong claims and for these, we blame for the last 10 years. I present the evidence.

AND we'll have our own personal flying machines, the ability to communicate telepathically, a tasty substitute that you won't believe is not butter, colonies on Mars, and your grandparents will be able to send you messages via text through your phone (which will be the size of a pack of gum).

AND we'll have our own personal flying machines, the ability to communicate telepathically, a tasty substitute that you won't believe is not butter, colonies on Mars, and your grandparents will be able to send you messages via text through your phone (which will be the size of a pack of gum).

Oh that Mark Twain, he sure was a pithy guy who knew how to put all of us in our places with a twinkle in his eye and a devilish grin! Wait, what does he have to do with this boring science lesson trying to pass itself off as something sexier? Oh, nothing. Just a frustrated  copy writer trying to squeeze some shred of dignity out of his life (“I studied English at Brown for THIS?” Yes, you did. Suck it up, your poetry sucks.) Just read on as your eyes glaze over while you dimly recall 9th grade science class UNTIL you get midway down! Did you know this? No one told me about this? WE CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER, Y’ALL!!!!! WOO HOO! No need to move to Florida, old people, we can make it sunny and 70 degrees in Detroit every day!

I blame Mr. Boesen for the past 10 years of weather-related tragedy, for global warming and the Bush Administration. Yes, I really do. I am 99.9% convinced that those scientists who believe global warming is overblown are getting their information from this book. I am equally convinced that George Bush consulted this book in deciding what to do in December of 2006 and during Katrina. “But, Dick, you see we don’t have to worry about those people. We control the weather! Says here we’ve actually been able to do that for about eight years now. Now why didn’t anyone tell me this when I took over as President?” I wonder how Bush tried to control the weather? Did he just think really hard about making the hurricane go away and then hide in shame with his horses when it didn’t work? Did he sacrifice disposable members of the Bush Clan (Jeb, the twins, Original George) at midnight in the White House Garden with Dick and Condi? (Naked, of course, that’s how you get the magic to work.)

See, Sarah Palin was right to want to burn books. They give innocent people just trying to learn a nice lesson about weather evil ideas. Books like this just want to harm our children. Books like this deserve to be burned at the stake!

Whatever happened to silver iodide?

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