Start the day with some OJ

4 Oct

In honour of my dear funny friend Molly’s birthday, I offer today’s rather tasteless posting. It requires little introduction and while the new context in which this book now resides is quite sad, we can still all use a good laugh at a murderer’s expense (oh, sorry, alledged murderer, confirmed breaker-in of hotel rooms and beater of people.) Unintentionally Funny Books says “Happy Birthday, Molly! Isn’t this biography rather darkly funny in retrospect? No? Oh well, try reading another post then.”

Running  to score a "Legal Dream Team" touchdown, a move he pioneered.

Running to score a "Legal Dream Team" touchdown, a move he pioneered.

Oh yeah, this can come to no good. But let’s go down that path anyway, shall we?

Don't get too comfy in that house, First Family.

Every Superstar needs a First Family. And one that looks so "relax"ed.

See, he bought his mom a house. A house. What kind of man both buys his mom a house and FORCES her to get a nicer one (next page) and commits cold-blooded murder? It just doesn’t make sense! However, what kind of man hires a lawyer who spawned some of the most annoying, untalented, budding bulimic, sex-tape-making, waste of Gossip Magazine space daughters? (Note: OJ was NOT represented by Rick Hilton.)

His daughter later files a civil suit against him for naming her “Arnelle” while his Second Daughter got to be “Sydney.” Jerkface.

And the defense builds...

And the defense builds...

That statement by First Wife is inadmissible! Clearly, it’s more of a reflection on HER and her bad choice to marry a man who was “a terrible person” whom she describes as “[h]e was pretty horrible.” Yeah, let’s blame it on HER. She asked to marry a gang leader. Oh look, he can talk his way out of jail! (Are you laughing yet, Gentle Reader?) We should really focus on the part where he doesn’t drink enough milk and gets teased. See, he’s just a sensitive, misunderstood guy who got called “Pencil Pins.” (Pencil-Pins? What kind of mixed metaphor bullying is that? Oh the sad state of education when kids can’t even make fun of each other using proper forms of speech.)

You got my back, right?

You got my back, right?

He’s thinking about making everyone a winner. But you can’t hold him to that, just because he thought about it.  I mean people think crazy stuff all of the time. Just because I’ve THOUGHT about killing myself and wrote a rambling suicide note and held a gun to my head doesn’t mean I’ll DO it, silly.

Damn, Kaelin looks good in those tennis whites. Too bad the ball's smarter than him.

Damn, Kaelin looks good in those tennis whites. Too bad the ball's smarter than him.

OJ showing the same kill ’em spirit on the tennis court that he has in all his pursuits. (No, really, this is pretty much what the book says.)

Which one of you is good at driving slow speeds on the California freeway during a police chase? Also, I'll have a gun to my head, but don't worry about that part.

Which one of you is good at driving slow speeds on the California freeway during a police chase? Also, I'll have a gun to my head, but don't worry about that part.

Despite being told numerous times that he was still honing his “funny, coked-out friend who will mooch but testify on your behalf during your murder trial” routine in Wisconsin at the time, Kato Kaelin was crushed that OJ did not call him his “main man” in this book. He also wants you to rent National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 2 and still needs Marcia Clark to explain the word “hostile” to him.

Hey! If the collar does not fit...

If the collar does not fit...

Oh, sorry, I got so distracted trying to figure out if those are a bunch of fur coats hanging up in the background. He should be so ashamed of promoting the bloody, senseless deaths of innocent animals for the sake of luxury.

Happy Birthday, Ginger!

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One Response to “Start the day with some OJ”

  1. mollyemurphy October 6, 2009 at 2:23 pm #

    Thanks, Lizzard! This is the finest gift I’ve EVER received! Love ya!

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