Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

27 Sep

Five years after HAL terrorized our little error-ridden human minds, Those Amazing Computers! Uses of Modern Thinking Machines aimed to let kids know that computers, much like dolls,  might try to kill you, but they also deserve exclamation points. Because they are so amazing (!) and can think modernly (like Nancy Drew or Seventeen Magazine). At least according to Melvin Berger, the most awesomely appropriate name ever for an author on a book about computers. I am pretty sure his next book was something along the lines of Tax Code Will Blow Your Mind! And So Will Accounting! Enjoy learning about the future, kids.

I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal.

Who knew that 36 years later so much blood, sweat, tears and grant money would produce machines that allow us to update our Facebook status in mere seconds from any location? Berger could only imagine such progress.

This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

Dear Kid: Yeah, sorry about this but it appears your genetic make-up has predetermined your life’s path. But don’t worry, you’ll be lying in a ditch full of money when you’re 52 and can buy yourself a gorgeous, enhanced second wife. Make sure to put your mom in a nice home; you can afford it!

Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

You know what’s really evil? That all of these reels add up to one program that allows little kids to tell a turtle to make a triangle. (BTW: I am pretty sure I saw this dude walking out of Urban Outfitters the other day.)

Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

This computer is being used to check on the condition of a man’s sideburns, sending the results out over telephone that while the massive growth is benign it’s unlikely he’ll ever live a normal life while they persist.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a stress pill and think this all over.


Advertisements

2 Responses to “Affirmative, Dave. I read you.”

  1. RobD October 6, 2009 at 5:19 pm #

    Generally I do not post on blogs, but I would like to say that this post really forced me to do so, Excellent post! 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Back when bunny rabbits could recommend detergents « Unintentionally Funny Books - November 2, 2009

    […] might remember Melvin Berger, he of the MOST BORING CHILDREN’S BOOKS EVER. His books are so boring, I had to present another one. I was kinda joking about what I thought […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: