Men, you should all be madder than Sarah Palin when she gets her copy of US Weekly tomorrow and finds out Kathy Griffin is paying for Levi’s probably-shotgun wedding to Bristol (complete with Bruce Villanch as maid-of-honor. I wish.). Y’all need to go apepoop on the men who PAID to sleep with Holly Hill, the pseudonym (although Girlfriend has NO problem slapping her face all over the internets, including AMAZON, purveyor of anonymity) of a out-of-work psychologist (they are ALWAYS the messed up ones, stone-cold) who decided selling herself off on-line was way easier than getting a real job after her gazillionaire married boyfriend who convinced her to quit her job to become his full-time Barbie plaything dumped her. Because men who have paid mistresses are soooooo trustworthy and totally keep their word about supporting your stupid butt when you quit your job that you got totally overeducated for so that you could carry a quilted Chanel bag. I mean, even I wouldn’t do that and damn if I would not do about anything for a quilted Chanel bag (red, please. NO knock-offs, ahem. It’s like my Klondike bar.)
So to make her mommy and daddy very, very proud, Ho-lly Hill picked herself up and pulled up her Hermes bootstraps and took out ads for sugardaddies. Because damn if she was going to let that psychology degree go to waste! John Galliano Japanese schoolgirl-inspired skirts do not pay for themselves and we all know life is NOT worth living if it doesn’t cost you upwards of $400,000 or more a year. Seriously, just kill yourself first. Well, Ho-lly is stronger than that and interviewed more than 30 men to find her ‘daddies’ (“just how many condoms will you wear to protect me and your wife from any creepy diseases you might have picked up in your pandering SINCE YOU ARE WILLING TO PAY TO SLEEP WITH ME AND I’M 40 BUT LYING AND SAYING I AM 35? Oh, you don’t wear condoms? Awesome by me!”) I know, hilarious, right? It gets better!
So, Ho-lly does the whole sugarbabe (her stupid phrasing) thing but gets some kind of moral compass, but not really and quits. She writes a book and because Barnes and Noble needs more for its Stripper/Prostitute Memoir section, it gets published. And because people have crappy taste in books, thank goodness or this blog would not exist. Yeah, we are getting to the interview part. So, she does a boatload of press, because she is trying to protect her privacy by using a fake name but her real picture. She does one for Marie Claire, which is not too bad as far as fashion magazines go. Anyway, a few gems:
She means this. That’s it, I am totally locking Mr. Math Professor in my closet next time he comes over. I’ll pretend I’ve been writing juggling formulas on my walls and I need him to take a closer look…just one step closer…that’s it, you MAN!
Because sex need not be a mutually satisfying activity for everyone to Win!
Yeah, like you borrowed her car, with her permission, of course. To be fair, Ho-lly advises you to leave him in better condition than in which you found him. And by that I assume she means with less STDs? In better shape for his next mistress? A sense that he should buy women Leboutins because Blahniks are soooo 1990s? Um, how about that maybe he shouldn’t cheat on his wife? C’mon, people, we do not live in France where this thing goes on and no one bats a fake eyelash. Ho-lly was not getting paid to play by men who had arrangements with their wives (read some Dan Savage, people) but rather with rich scumbags who thought it their right to cheat on their wives. Of course, Ho-lly claims it was only because those bad wives were not interested in sex anymore. So, it’s TOTALLY justified. Get a divorce, see a therapist, be honest.
Men paying for a mistress have standards? Classy ones, apparently! Someone tell Paris Hilton, stat!
Seriously, Ho-lly is convinced those of us women who want monogamy are batpoop crazy and bad women. And I’m guessing she thinks men who look you deep in the eyes and tell you they have been cheated on and hurt before and want a faithful relationship are filthy liars out of touch with their testosterone. Because, ladies, it’s all worth it if you just accept your man for the dog he is and get a New Jersey Housewives makeover for your trouble.
And this woman says she is a good role model for her nieces because she’s honest.
(Disclaimer: I am home really sick, so apologies if this makes NO sense.)